We’ve had a couple of interesting comments relating to our tactics for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse and, with more than a little smugness, we’d like to think we’re now well-versed in the best methods of defence. Someone calling themselves Monkey Mischief (we’re intrigued) opts for some seriously hazardous tactics, while the more reasonably-named Craig Melson has gone for some equally more reasonable safety measures. Thanks to both.
Sayeth Monkey Mischief:
“OK, absolute household essentials when under attack from a legion of zombies:
Food sources:
Squash is a big no-no! You cant drink the water cos it’s full of zombie gunk and the fastest way to get infected other than being bitten!
Ice cream - always good, helps when you feel low, helps when you feel high, usually after a kill, and helps for that quick sugar pick-me-up you need after running for your life.
Bottled water: defo an essential. If you have this then you’re ok to have squash.
Pot noodle: as long as your kettle still works you’re OK to boil the tap water and you have pasta for carbs.
Weapons:
Curtain rail
Axe
String
Put all of these together with the string and you’ve got the perfect weapon for killing zombies, without having to get within biting range!
Never stay with friends, in the end they will just get you bitten. All you need is Guitar Hero and an Xbox 360 you can keep friends but talk to them online, that way you can watch their sorry asses getting killed from a safe distance.
BUT MOST OF ALL you must have a Border Collie! Have you noticed how dogs never get bitten by zombies? You can train it to go out to the shops to buy more Pot Noodles and squash…”
Now, there are several inconsistencies with this strategy - is it wise to survive solely on squash and Pot Noodles? Tinned food is surely a better idea. Also, that Blue Peter-style weapon idea - what about close combat? There seems to be a definite focus on just grinning and making the best of a bad situation which, though commendable, might just end up in some serious brain-gnawing. And remember - a dog is for life, not just for the Zombie Apocalypse.
Craig Melson’s stratagem:
“Step 1: Be prepared before the zombies come. Stock canned and bottled water and dried fruits and tinned food as it cannot go off. Remember to allocate 20% extra water for washing needs.
Step 2: Destroy the staircase. If you live in a house, chop through the staircase so the zombies cannot walk up it. Also use this tactic for Daleks. If you live in flats or have concrete stairs, barricade it so nothing can come up or down.
Step 3: We’re in Britain not in a small Yank town. Therefore guns are mostly out. Make sure you have a long reaching bladed weapon or a bow to hack off the head of a zombie. In emergency, a broom handle with a kitchen knife securely fastened can act as a spear.
Step 4: Supply yourself with matches, candles and books. If the electricity goes out, you need light and heat, plus material. Reading engages the brain better anyway. After reading you also have emergency fuel.”
This is a much more reasonable series of steps. Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance and all that. Not too sure about the staircase tactic though - this is slightly debilitating if the Z.A. looks set to last a sustained period of time. In the short term, though, excellent foresight. As opposed to Monkey Mischief’s “just play Guitar Hero and the zombies will take care of themselves” attitude, Craig adopts a distinctly more Cormac McCarthy-esque viewpoint and would probably last longer.
Anyone else got some good tips for survival?
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